Being a Mom is hard... You are Enough

This is a question that is consistently on my mind. "Am I enough?"

I remember having a conversation with someone when I was pregnant with my first child. I mentioned that when I had the baby, I would no longer be working. This person was, quite frankly, in shock.

What - why - seriously - but just for a little while right...?

"No," I responded, "It will be a permanent change. I want to be a stay at home mom."

I cannot begin to tell you how difficult it was to listen to people tell me that I was going to get bored, that I was going to miss working, or worse, that eventually I would want to do something "important" again.

I had my my decision long ago, and I knew that it was what I was supposed to do. While some of these words hurt, they never confused me or changed my mind in anyway.

Why is it that in our day, and our society, it is frowned upon to be a stay at home mother? And increasingly more, to be a mother at all.

FRUMPY ----- LAZY ---- LET HERSELF GO --- HERMIT --- SHUT IN ---- UNMOTIVATED ---- WORTHLESS ---- UNIMPORTANT ----

Whether we say them to ourselves, or they are said to or about us, these words cut deep, and are long lasting.

In contrast, a few months ago I was talking to a sweet woman at the local gym. She asked me what I do, and I responded "I'm just a stay at home mom". OH my word did she stop me in my tracks when she returned with "NO, you are NOT "just" a stay at home mom! Don't ever use the word "just" when telling someone what you do. Take pride in knowing you are doing the most important work there is". It was all I could do to not just break down into tears right then and there in the middle of the gym.

I do this a lot. I throw the word "just" in there, afraid that I am not enough, that I'm not living up to my "full potential" or that I am somehow less than other women who seem to be able to do it all, have their own business, work inside or outside them home, and still end up somehow to be supermom at the end of the day, sewing, making fresh bread and 100 cupcakes for the bake sale. Unfortunately for us "Just SAHM" types, social media would have us believe that these women seem to take care of everything so easily and perfectly.

There are a lot of different reasons and scenarios out there that would have you feel poorly about your situation, or make you feel like you are "just" this or "just" that.

A few months ago I had what one would call a "minor" breakdown. I remember after an unbelievably frustrating morning of cleaning up the same toys 15 times, vacuuming up gold fish crackers that had just been "rain danced on" in the carpet, and fighting with my kids to eat their breakfast, and no... marshmallows are NOT A FRUIT... There seemed to be an overflow of tears that morning, and everything that could destroy a 4 year olds world was crashing down on her... after all... the episode of Doc McStuffins she wanted to watch wasn't on, and I couldn't magically make it appear, so naturally the only conclusion was that the world was ending.

I put the girls down for naps/quiet time, went in my room and cried... I cried for over an hour, wondering how my life got to this point. When did I suddenly become a glorified maid/daycare provider.

I remember that night, getting ready for bed, I couldn't even look in the mirror while brushing my teeth, I didn't want to see myself, that person... whoever she was, I didn't want to look at her - look her in the eyes.

I was in a slump for a while, a couple weeks went by and I couldn't shake the feeling that I was, well... a "loser". I didn't get out of my pajamas for days, and I cried at the slightest things. (My poor husband was grasping at straws trying to make me feel better).

Then the thought came to me - did I not want to be a mother? Sadness was quickly replaced with guilt and anger at myself for even thinking such a heinous thing. There was nothing more important to me than my children.

I prayed so hard the next week or so that I could be first of all, forgiven for whatever heartache I was causing those around me, and for just being straight up impossible to live with. Then I prayed that I could be given the answers that I needed. I needed to know what to do in order to feel better.

General Conference came, and I listened more intensely that I ever remember listening before. When Elder Holland got up, I remember feeling impressed that I needed to pay very close attention to what he had to say. He always knocks it out of the park, but for some reason, I was especially drawn to him that day. We were at a friends house, with children running around and people talking, but I remember it like it was yesterday, as though everyone was gone, everything had just disappeared, and it was just he and I, alone in a dark room talking. I felt as though he looked right at me, right into my soul and said, “Thank you. Thank you for giving birth, for shaping souls, for forming character, and for demonstrating the pure love of Christ.”...“Thank you for your crucial role in fulfilling the purposes of eternity.” ...".You are doing better than you think you are".

I have hesitated for some time in sharing this experience, but today I felt the urgency to do so. Since that experience, I have looked at my role as a mother differently. I have felt more passion in the "mundane" day to day tasks, and the importance in being my children's mother. I am at times, able to see myself through their eyes, and am constantly reminded that, while the world my look down on what I do, My Father in Heaven, and my sweet daughters would have it no other way.

I want to say to all you mothers who are struggling, you are enough, and you are doing better thank you know! There is nothing more powerful than the love of a mother. If you don't believe me, look into the eyes of your child then next time they say "I love you", or notice how often they look at you throughout the day for YOUR assurance to them.

As mother's we have the day to day jobs of doing laundry, dishes, cleaning up toys, making dinner, etc... but our real job is, to nurture, to teach, to lead, but most importantly to love our children. We have been blessed and entrusted with God's children. We get the most precious blessing of holding them in our arms, and chasing them around our homes. I know our Heavenly Father misses them, and how lucky I am to be blessed to be the mother of two of His choicest spirits.

Motherhood is hard... it is brutal. It is often Thankless, and demanding. But I echo the words of Elder Holland when he said, "Today I declare from this pulpit what has been said here before: that no love in mortality comes closer to approximating the pure love of Jesus Christ than the selfless love a devoted mother has for her child."

I urge and encourage each of you to read or listen to this talk, especially if you are struggling (I have this talk saved on my phone for those especially rough days, and without fail, these words calm me, and strengthen me each and every time I listen to them).

We are enough, we are MORE than enough. We are mothers.